


Clawing for Salvation

by This_is_The_Phantom_Lady



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Drug Addict Sherlock, Drug Use, Drugged Sherlock, Episode: s04e02 The Lying Detective, Ficlet, Johnlock - Freeform, Johnlock Angst, M/M, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-09-20 12:21:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9490808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_is_The_Phantom_Lady/pseuds/This_is_The_Phantom_Lady
Summary: John finally got the courage to check his backed up voicemail messages that Sherlock left for him while he was dealing with the loss of his wife... what he finds makes his heart sink.





	1. You have one new message

I’m sorry. 

I really am. I thought I could control this. I thought I knew what I was doing. I kept telling myself that; for too long. 

Please. Know I need you. I really do need you. 

This for me is a rare moment of clarity; the same clarity I prized within myself. I used to prize… it’s not such a clouded judgment I am stuck under. But now…

I can’t catch up with myself anymore. I am numb. I am numb… and a big part of my self loves that feeling. 

I am spiralling… downwards. Downwards and beyond. I am reaching the bottom.

I am clawing. Clawing at any salvage… and somehow I keep grasping for you. You are my salvation… John. Please. 

I am a hollow shell. My brain is still racing; out of control towards a final destination… accelerating like a driverless vehicle. 

I’m broken. I feel beyond repair. I am scared. It’s so dark here… when I close my eyes I see this darkness and it consumes me… it consumes me and I disappear. It’s chipping myself away from me at an alarming rate. 

I was so certain I was in control… I had a plan… I did. I’m sorry, but I did… 

This, this… this horrible stuff in my hand has taken control. It’s become a master and I’m nothing but a servant to this. I buck and bend for it… 

Help me… please. John. I’m scared. I’m scared of who I am becoming… who I have become. 

Please listen to me. John… John. Don’t leave me now. 

 

No. I said no! I said no… please… no more. No more.  
This is moving too fast… it’s too sweet… it’s much too sweet… it’s… oh John. 

I’m sorry, John… I can’t keep up this fight. I am not strong enough… I’m not as strong as you… I was never you… and I’m sorry. 

John…

*click*


	2. To listen to your messages press One

John? I thought I heard your voice… did I? 

Are you there? Please tell me if you are… John. It’s not… it’s not funny. 

I really need to talk to you… I need to see you.   
I’m not well… 

*cough*

I tried to be good today; I tried to go slow… to slow down… I think I failed… rather spectacularly too…

*soft groan and a creak*

I made a miscalculation of my dosage. A gross one. Ah. John… I need to see a doctor… please. I need you. I’m… I’m… something is wrong. This isn’t good. Oh it itches!

No… okay. I guess I’ll be fine. Don’t you worry about it. Forget what I said… erase this message. It’s probably best… you don’t need me now… you don’t need this… 

*soft, strained laugh* 

So… how’s Rosie? Your daughter? Rosie? Rose… Rosie? Little girl? Is she still little?

See, John. I remember things. It’s not all lost… it’s not… it’s… 

And how is Mary… no… no… I mean… how are you… dealing? I’m sorry… John believe me. I worry…

What? What did you say?

John… so… ehm… still not talking to me? For how long… how long will this continue?

Not now… I’m on the phone… 

What do I need to do… tell me John. Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything… just tell me. 

*loud, wet cough, gasping for breath*

Please John… I’m… I’m scared… don’t leave me here… alone… 

*voice trailing off*

*click*


	3. To Delete; Press 7

Why aren’t you picking up. John? What the hell is making you so busy. Where are you? 

Don’t, don’t you see what is going on here? I do. I see it clearly! 

John. I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this; but I need you. I need you, and you’re not here! You are not here, and I need you. 

We need one another, right? Wasn’t that something we had? The two of us against the rest of the world. 

*cough*

I’m angry. I’m really mad at you, John. 

I keep sinking, lower and lower every moment that you keep up this silly charade. How much more time do you need to prove your damned point? 

Fine. I understand it. You’re mad at me; I get it. 

But how long will that have to last? What will need to happen for us to move past this? I’m handing you an olive branch; on a silver platter… why aren’t you taking it? 

How far do I need to go… do I have to sink far beyond repair before you see that I can’t do all of this without you? Will I have to lose myself to this demon on my back?

Is that what you want? 

Is it? 

Would that please you, to see all of my sanity leaving me… see me waste away. Is that what it will take? 

Fine. If that is what it takes, I will. 

Good bye, John.

*Click*


	4. To Repeat This Message, Press Three

I’m sorry for that last message… 

I know I went too far. I have no right to be angry at you. I know… you have your reasons. 

But can’t you just come and see me? Just one time. One time? 

I know what I did… it’s horrifically clear to me right now. I know what I caused… and I know I can never change it. I can’t bring her back… John… I can’t bring Mary back. 

But please. John… We can’t end on this note… this note

*cough* 

After everything that happened don’t you think we owe each other a little more than a piece of paper? 

If this is the end; can’t we end it proper… please. John… I know this is selfish of me but I need closure. 

I know I have no right… I realize that. I know you can't and won’t forgive me… and I won’t ask you to. 

I know that…

*sniffles*

John… I have to hang up now… I tried to stay sober… I tried to stay clear for this message but I need my fix. I’m sorry… John… I’m weak. 

I’m sorry.

 

*click*


End file.
